fight


fight

we fight

for stuff

for people

for ourselves

our goals

our lives

we fight

fight

fight

and we focus

on the obvious

meaning of the word

the fight-ing

but in the past

day or so

i have come

to love

its other meaning

the meaning

that gives meaning

to life-ing

last night

while asleep

i turned my face

into my pillow

and began suffocating

i was locked

in that nightmarish state

when the mind is awake

but the body is paralyzed in sleep

so i was aware

of exactly two things

one

i couldn’t breathe

and two

i couldn’t move

which

are like

the worst

two things

to be aware of

simultaneously

so all i could do

was feel

breathless

and helpless

the single verbalized thought

in my mind

was the word

fight

over and over

fight

again and again

fight

and the suffocating paralysis

lasted long enough

for me to remember

several chants

of this plea to

fight

fight

fight

until finally

blessedly

the paralysis lifted

and i lifted my head

to take in the deepest

sweetest breath

of my life

it amazed me

just how much

gratitude

and love

i felt for

that one

first breath

after being denied all breaths

for what seemed like an eternity

i vowed

last night

to never take

a single breath for granted

but of course i will

of course i already have

because

human

but last night

i took another vow

one that i will keep

i have a pacific nature

and tend to eschew things

that have a combative nature

i don’t fight for revolution

instead

i love empowering people

i don’t fight demagoguery

instead

i love civilized leadership

i don’t fight against divisiveness

instead

i love unity

so

as i stared

at the ceiling counting

my slowing breaths

and pounding heartbeats

i reconsidered

the thought

of the word

that felt

like my last

before that

first breath

fight

then i fell back asleep

to a soporific chant of

fight

fight

fight

this morning

after several

deep sweet breaths

i investigated

the dictionary definition of

“fight”

because

dictionaries are awesome

and looking up definitions

to words that you think you know well

can be an enlightening and humbling

good time :)

merriam-webster’s

second entry

under the full definition

of fight

reads

“to put forth

a determined effort”

this is the meaning

that stands independent

from any adversary

this is the meaning

that lies dependent

upon an individual alone

to enliven an intention

to participate in an endeavor

this is the meaning

that sits synonymous

with the will

to act

with the resolve

to do

with the decision

to be

this is the spark

igniting the light

this is the purpose

of all missions

this is the fight

behind the fight

this is the meaning

that makes the difference

between being

and living

this is the fight

that called to me last night

this is the definition

of meaning itself

for quite some time

let’s say

for some years or so

before last night

and in my waking hours

i had been aware

of two things

one

i had existed

and two

i had not lived

not really

and

really

those

are the worst

two things

to be aware of

simultaneously

i know now

the cause

of that waking nightmare

i had lost

my fight

i had lost

the “determined effort”

that living requires us

“to put forth”

i had lost

my life

before i had lived it

before last night

when in a moment

that felt like

i had lost

everything

instead

i found

my fight

my fight

my fight

and while

i may take

some breaths

for granted

as long as

i have breaths

to take

i vow

to love

the fight

to cherish

the fight

to honor

my fight

my will

my resolve

and my decision

to live

life


musings inspired by "Fight"