ready


i’m not ready

things are not in order

i haven’t prepared the ideal remarks

 

i’m not ready

i could spend a decade

recounting the three decades

that i’ve spent trying to become ready

 

i’m not ready

for the infinitesimal task

that i’ve set before myself

that of using words and a voice

to…

i don’t know…

 

i’m not ready

i’m overwhelmed

i’ve tried this before

i’ve started this before

or something like it before

and then it fell apart before

because i wasn’t ready then

and

 

i’m not ready

now

still

but

here

i am

with this

and…

 

this isn’t even a big deal

so i don’t even know why

this freaks me out so much

i don’t have any delusions or fantasies of being

anything other than a random assortment

of random fluctuations

in a randomly undulating

field of fields

of under-understood

energetic parcels of—

 

like you

like everything

like nothing at all—

 

but anyway

 

the point is:

i’m not ready

and i’m rambling

and tracking offsides

 

because

i’m

trying

to avoid

the starting point

 

the other day

was the beginning of spring

i had thought that would be an apropos beginning

of

this

 

right

 

because:

spring

 

and then

i wasn’t ready

so the day passed

 

but then

the next day!

 

so that day

was world poetry day

and considering what i do with words and a voice…

and whatever

and whatnot

but…

 

so that passed

and now

here

today

 

this is all that i’ve got

 

this

 

this wretched introduction

 

this is not my best work people

this is not my best moment at all

and yet i’m using it

i’m grabbing onto it

for dearest dearest life

because it is…

well…

 

it is what i’ve got

it is all that i’ve got

even though i’m not

ready

 

i’m not ready

to share this

with people

that i know

with people

who could look at me askance

and ask

all sorts of

questions

that i don’t want to answer

 

nor with other people

that i don’t know

who could form

all sorts of

opinions

that i don’t want to—

 

ugh…

 

look

 

i know

this is—

i know

how this looks

i know

how this

presents itself

i know

how

i seem

i mean…

 

i know.

 

and i agree with you

 

i

am

not

ready

 

but

 

now

 

is

all

that

i’ve got

 

this

this

this

 

and

that is all

that any of us have

ever

 

even

you

 

so

i am sure

 

that you

 

can relate

 

to me

 

and maybe

you too have had

some ill-prepared

moment of frenzied action

taken in the midst of being

completely aware of your being

quite ill-equipped for what is to come

 

some

beautifully berserk

scene in your life

when you were moved

instead of you moving

when a force forced

you into action

instead of you

acting of your

own accord

 

[i am beside myself

and outside of myself

at the moment]

 

and maybe

once

or more

you too have

felt fear flee

 

because

the fear was frightened away

by the simple truth

that

 

you

can’t wait

to be ready

 

not always

not when it’s important

not when it’s your dearest life’s work

waiting for you

to be ready

 

you can’t wait

because

it can’t wait

 

so

 

you can’t wait for the next opportune moment

you can’t wait for the next equinox

you can’t wait for the next google-doodle-day

 

you can’t wait

 

and

i can’t wait

 

so

 

even though

we are not ready

 

here we are

 

 

here

 

 

this

 

 

and

this

is all

 

 

with love

welcome to

story and muse


musings inspired by The Past Three Decades